WhatEVER, Australia.

Are you all retarded? I was the best PM eva! I did so much awesome stuff for this country, like pretty much single-handedly keeping the economy strong with Workchoices and keeping dirty foreigners out and stuff. Not to mention the power walking! Eleven years of power walking! 4015 days! With just one hour of strutting my hot prime ministerial body around every one of those days -- that's 240,900 minutes of blood, sweat, tears and green tracksuits that I gave to you people!

And what do I get for it? Kicked out in favour of some pinko journalist because she danced ONCE! And it's not even that she's a chardonnay sipping, tree-hugging, watermelon former ABC employee -- she's also a ginga! A blood nuts, fanta pants red-head. Gross.

You also voted for a smug, dweeby little geek, which... ugh. WE had a monopoly on smug. Like Alexander Downer wasn't good enough for you people? Tony Abbott's condescending laugh? And NO ONE smirks like Peter Costello smirks. Although, nice going, Peter, you spaz. You whinge like a little baby for the leadership and NOW I give it to you and you don't want it? It's so obvious he only wanted to be leader because I was, and now I'm not, he doesn't want it. Real mature, Peter, you der-brain.

You've also got another commie ginger pubes and her barren womb kitchen and a washed-up rock star.

Yeah, good work, voters. Clap, clap for the handicaps.

Anyway, now I've pretty much chosen to retire (for real, I pretty much GAVE it to Maxine), I can go and do better things than be the PM. I mean, I didn't even really want to be the leader anymore, anyway. And I think it's time I lived out my true calling: to become a professional cricketer. I'm not even 70 yet, and I'm in better shape than Shane Warne (and, as Janette will tell you, I'm pretty good at sending HOT SMSes -- like: 'hai janette, i wld ttly like 2 c yr brassiere' and 'u hav a good buttoxx'). I still wield a pretty mean kanga cricket bat and shaved down tennis ball, and I have my own gold and green tracksuits.

Although, another job I would like is to be the next Australian Idol judge, because oh my GOD, that decision was the real let down of election weekend. Matt was sooo cool, and oh, those blue eyes... swoon! Although, not winning DOES mean we have something in common! And neither of us are going to let that get in our way.

I'm not going to become some hack Young Diva just 'cause I lost ONE election. I'm going to be a Shannon Noll. I'm going to be an Anthony Callea (minus the gay). Not so much a Jessica Mauboy, 'cause she was black and stuff. And Kevin is going to be a Casey Donovan or a Kate DeAraugo. Not even -- you wouldn't even make Idol, Kevin. you're Scott Cain. You're Scandal'us. You're Random.

And Bob Brown is Joel Turner -- a stupid novelty, but he didn't even make it to the real show. The Democrats are the Beatbox Alliance.

Anyway, Australia, I guess I'll catch you later, seeing as you don't want to be friends with me anymore, or whatever. Just don't come running back to ME when this whole country becomes a communist hell-hole where like, everyone has to share food and play hacky-sack and wear those Che Guevara t-shirts.

Peace out.

J. Ho.

Ooooh, that Peter is such a nasty pastie! A few years ago, he told these journalists (of all people! Ew!) that he wanted to get rid of me! And I asked him if it was true, and he was like, "Nah, John, we're totally best mates... oh yeah, actually I did say that... BUT I DIDN'T MEAN IT!" But I think he DID mean it, and now I'm scared that he's plotting and sabotaging behind my back. Like, he's the Treasurer, so he controls the economy, and at the last election, he told me to say that interest rates wouldn't rise if we won, but now they have! Maybe he did that to set me up! And also, I found a 'kick me' sign on my back after Parliament yesterday, and it was written on Department of Treasury letterhead and I don't think it could have been Peter Dutton, 'cause he's a total wuss.

Speaking of wusses, Kevin has this stupid 'Kevin07' campaign going, and he and all his Loser Party mates wear these lame matching t-shirts and post on Myspace. WhatEVER, Kevin. I've been blogging here for years so I'm way more in touch with young people and cool technology than he is. I bet he still uses Livejournal and laughs at the 'Numa Numa' guy! Like ZOMG, n00b. The other day, I was like, "Hey Kevin, I think they're missing you on YAHOO CHAT!" and he was like, "Yeah? Well I got distracted by your GEOCITIES PAGE!" so I went, "YEAH? I'm surprised you could load it on you DIAL-UP MODEM!" and he was like, "Tell it to your USENET buddies, lamer." Then the Speaker called "order" and told us to stop disrupting Parliament, and the stupid Independents yelled out "PWNED!"

Man, what a crappy week!

First, people got pissy 'cause I forgot some Tasmanian chick's name. She was a Liberal candidate or something. But do you know how many Liberal candidates there are in Australia? I'd say at least a dozen — maybe more! I have enough trouble remembering the names of the front bench, let alone a sheila from some island. That's why the speaker in parliament just calls people things like "the member for Bennelong" (that's me). I think he just makes them up sometimes, like 'Bruce' and 'Mayo'. Hee. I knew I picked him for a reason.

Then, people got pissy 'cause I did some renos on my plane. That's insulting for two reasons: one, of course I need to fly in comfort when they send me to places like Tasmania, and secondly, as if I am choosing the wallpaper — OBVIOUSLY that's Janette's department. George has several planes AND a helicopter AND a rad BMX, but I get into trouble for a bit of silk wall-lining and wanting a bit of leg room.

But by far the worst thing that happened this week is that Nick Minchin said that he smoked marijuana in uni!!!!!! He was all, "EVERYONE who went to uni in the 60s and 70s smoked dope". Well! Maybe some hippies were doing such things, but if Nick had spent more time with the young liberals like me, I think he'd have found that we certainly didn't do things like that. And it wasn't like we weren't cool; sometimes we had a small sherry after a game of Scrabble or a barn dance. But we were high on life in those days! I guess now we know where all the pizza and Tim Tams go at party functions, but I don't reckon we'll ever trust Kerry Minchin's baked goods again.

So I’m back. When I stopped writing this diary, things were going so well, ‘cause fat old Kim was such a fat loser and everyone loved me because I go jogging and am fit and stuff and everyone had jobs and were digging the war in Iraq. But now, that geek Kevin Rudd is more popular than me and I can’t work out why! I mean, I have glasses, I have a big moon face, I’m short, I wear natty suits and ties, so why does everyone like it better on him? At play lunch, everyone used to crowd around me to trade rollups and play kanga cricket, and now they all hang out in the Parliamentary library with him. Even my mates Tony and Alex are like, “Sorry John, it’s not that we’ve become lefties or anything, it’s just… he speaks like, a gazilion languages… and he has a PS3!” Which is SO unfair, ‘cause they know that it’s not my fault that Janette won’t let me upgrade from my Nintendo 64, and the only reason Kevin is allowed to is ‘cause he lets his wife work like some hippie feminist who probably doesn’t even know how to bake.

The other big thing that’s been happening lately is that it turns out there are lots of problems in Aboriginal communities ‘cause they’re poor and stuff. People have been all “Didn’t you know?! You’ve been in government like, 10 years!” but it’s like, der, no, idiots, those people live in the middle of the desert in the Northern Territory, and I live on the North Shore. But Mal Brough kept bugging me about it, so I came up with this great plan involving lots of doctors and police, and people were all, “That’s a bad plan, there aren’t enough doctors, you’re totally mean. This is another ‘Tampa’.” Which, again, der, no, the Tampa was where brown people threw their kids in the water in the ocean, and this is brown people having sex with their kids in the desert. It’s pretty different. And also, it’s not my fault that all our doctors are busy being terrorists. Can’t they wait until after these health checks to go blow things up? Terrorism is really more of a hobby. Doesn’t the Hypocritical oath mean anything to these people?

Sigh. It’s like I can’t win. Stupid Kevin bumface is ruining EVERYTHING

Pfft, I wish the PC crowd would just lighten up. Firstly, Johnny Brogden makes a hilarious joke about stupid Bob Carr's foreign wife by calling her a "mail order bride" - which is FUNNY, because she's FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY and also because Bob Carr is ugly and would probably have to pay a woman to go near him - then people get all offended by it, so he had to quit and then, because a life without the Liberal Party isn't a life worth living, he tried to kill himself. THEN Tony Abbott made a hilarious joke about THAT, saying that we'd be as "dead as a former Liberal leader's political prospects" if we did something wrong, which is ALSO funny, because he quit, but also because he tried to kill himself, so he would've been DEAD. Get it? DEAD. That is funny. You'd think people would be grateful for the contribution the Libs are making to Australian comedy, given most Australian comedians spend all their time making fun of me, which isn't even funny because I always have to ask Janette to explain the jokes to me and she says not to worry because Wil Anderson is just a mean bean and what am I doing up so late on a work night anyway and that I know better than to watch the ABC because it'll just upset me.

Maybe if I ever retire (and that was "IF", Peter) I could go into comedy. I'm heaps funny. My unique style of political comedy kills at Liberal Party functions. Like: What would you get if you crossed Kim Beazley with Amanda Vanstone? Someone who's really fat! (Amanda beat me up for that one, but it was so worth it) Or: Why did the lefty cross the road? Because they're so dumb they didn't know to wait at the crossing until someone responsible came along to hold their hand and make sure they looked both ways!

Comedy. Gold.

As long as the PC narcs don't start hassling ME. 'Cause I have some great New Orleans jokes saved up for Question Time tomorrow.

So we've started forcing schools to teach values like care and compassion, freedom, honesty and trustworthiness, integrity, respect, responsibility, understanding, tolerance and inclusion. I reckon this is really important, 'cause this way we can weed out any suckers who actually believe in that stuff when they're still young and before they join the Liberal Party. The last thing we need is another Petro Georgiou spouting hippy crap to the media and betraying everything the Liberals stand for.

Now, I'm no dope-smoking, hippy greenie, but the Japanese want to kill a bunch of whales, and I'm not cool with that. Not 'cause I really care if they die or anything, but actual dope-smoking, hippy greenie whale-watchers bring in a fair bit of tourist dollars, and I do care about that. Still, I hate agreeing with Bob Brown on anything, and I made sure he knew this didn't mean that we were friends or anything, and we still couldn't be seen in public together. Like, he came running up to me at lunch time and was all, "Hey John! Want to share my lentils with me, John? Isn't it great how we have something in common, John?" And then Andrew Downer was like, "Uh, are you friends with this loser, or something?" And I was like, "Uhm.... no. As if. Why don't you go hug a tree, you tree hugger?" And so he sulked off to make hemp clothing with Kerry Nettle, or whatever those tree huggers do with their time. But anyway, I'm still not cool with the Japanese killing our whales. If they need a huge, moaning, predatory, blubber-filled mammal, why can't we just give them Amanda Vanstone?

So apparently some of the lip-sewing, children-overboard-throwing, job-stealing terrorists we locked up in detention centres and sent back overseas? Weren't lip-sewing, children-overboard-throwing, job-stealing terrorists after all. They were Australians. Woops. In the Immigration Department's defence, I've seen pictures of this Alvarez chick, and it's not as if she's white or anything, so you can see why they might have got confused. See, that's why multiculturalism is so lame - you can't tell Australians from terrorists. What's happened to this country when we can't judge our citizens on their skin colour?

Speaking of foreigners and stuff, that bogan girl from Queensland got 20 years in Indonesia for smuggling drugs. All these people have been saying that I should have done something to save her 'cause she's an Australian citizen, but I reckon they're expecting just a bit much. Like, that terrorist Hicks bloke has been locked up in a foreign jail without trial for years, and I haven't done anything to help him, so why should this Shrapnel girl get special treatment? She's already had a whole trial with real judges and media attention and public sympathy, which is a hell of a lot more than that Hicks guy's ever had, and now she wants special favours from me, too? Selfish much?

So before the last election, we told poor people that if they spent heaps on medical bills, we'd pay heaps of it back, and I swear that we actually had every intention of doing that until we found out that it costs money to pay back someone's bills! Tony and I were totally shocked when Pete came in and told us that poor people were actually using this "safety net" thingo and that WE were paying for THEIR medical bills. As if. We already gave poor people a bunch of bribes before the election, we don't have the money to subsidise their medical costs when they get sick as well. Typical greedy poor people, always sponging off the government, wanting a handout. "But you promised!" Whatever. I promise a lot of things, but if people are still believing what I say after they've had like, ten years to learn better, then I reckon they deserve what they get. If medical bills didn't cost anything, then we'd happily pay them back. It's not our fault that doctors charge money. People expect too much of me.

So anyway, now apparently I've "broken" the Medicare "safety net". I'm so sick of these lame metaphores. Can't we just call it "screwing over poor people"? I'm comfortable with that.

Apparently the ALP are trying to get Eddie McGuire to run for them in the next election. Soooo pathetic. Besides, we could so easily top that. We're already in talks with Larry Emdur to be Treasurer, Rob Brough as Minister for Family Services, Baby John Burgess as Minister for Ageing, and that nasty woman from The Weakest Link, who we reckon would make a tops Minister for Immigration. I'd also like to change Question Time so that we could opt for "Physical Challenge" instead of answering questions, and I'd like to find an attractive, female "co-host" for David Hawker. I wonder what Adriana Xenides is up to these days...